My name is Kathy and I’m a psychiatrist working and living in New York City with my little furry companion, Scruffles! I’ve dreamed of living here since I was a child, so I left Chicago and slowly made my way out east thinking I’d be enjoying the lights and glimmer of this cosmopolitan playground.
I was one of those people that NEVER sat on my butt. Between a busy work schedule, dinner plans, fitness classes, work projects, teaching, mentoring, socializing, salsa dancing, painting, baking and cooking, I barely had time for sleep, let alone reflection and actual self-care. I was literally running on a day-to-day checklist, and just cramming in things to do whenever I found an opening. I was “living the dream.” Or so I thought.
Once the pandemic started, everyone’s world turned upside down (literally – that’s an ironic story). I was faced with solitude in a way which I never experienced it before. I had no where to go, no one to see, and nothing to do. I went through so many ups and downs. Horror, fear, anticipation, then became motivated to bake all the things, work on projects, take long walks through the park, Zoom yoga, and connect with friends. But something wasn’t right. I wasn’t physically leaving my house, but I was still feeling this exhausted and empty feeling. I was checking off all the boxes, eating right, exercising, connecting with people, getting work done.
After 6 months, something started to shift for me.
I didn’t want to leave my house as much. I realized how uncomplicated it was to do my work at home with my little pup at my feet all day. I didn’t miss the small talk at the office. I no longer had to worry that any inflection in tone might be misread as ill intent, or rudeness. I didn’t miss the gossip. I didn’t miss the routine of waking up in the morning and getting ready and then missing the subway because nothing in NYC runs on time. I didn’t miss dodging the trash piles in the city on the sweltering hot summer days, and arriving to work panting and covered in sweat. I realized also, that I didn’t miss the forced companionship of individuals whose company I never actually enjoyed, but rather joined to fill my social quota. It was being social, to say I was being social, because I felt lonely and unsatisfied with the social interactions I was having.
I was forced to slow down, and despite my resisting and I finally realized that I was doing “all the things” because I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I was running away from the things that really hurt – loneliness, sadness, vulnerability, fear of failure, un-lovability, and rejection.
I wanted to be enough, by doing too much.
Now, this isn’t an editorial about how I “figured it out” and how meditation, mindfulness, nutrition and a 4-month long trip to India helped me find myself. In fact, I am still very lost, and more days then not, I’m figuring things out as I go along, questioning my decision, and wondering why I am here. Everyone’s journey is their own, and things happen in their own way, at their own time. I’m still going through my process.
I’m excited to share my journey of serendipitous encounters, including the joys, sorrows and everything else in between!
Dear Friends,
I am sincerely and deeply grateful for your role in my life. You have brought smiles to my face, unbeknownst to you, when you find your way into my thoughts. You have seen me at my lowest, probably with mascara stained tears rolling down my face, paired with a side of snot and a few large sobs. You have seen me celebrating things I never thought I’d actually do.
Thank you for your kindness and patience with me throughout the years. The support and love I feel from you propelled me start living my life with intention, focus on the things I truly and genuinely want to. Things like this.
XOXO,
Kathy ❤
Simple Serendipities 