For those who don’t know, I am on some days, a child psychiatrist, on other days, an obsessed dog mom, and on most days, a complete and total hot mess. Lately less hot, and more mess. What can I say? It’s life…. And life is messy. In true spirit of my waffling identity, I have certainly resurrected my psych-talk podcast listener meets Martha Stewart wine party prepping persona, which is exactly what this little thought piece was sponsored by.
Who doesn’t want their wine paired with a discussion about the various origins of trauma?
I was introduced to this wonderful podcast “This Jungian Life” which I listen to fairly religiously. One of the episodes I recently re-listened to explored childhood trauma, and the way in which children integrate their experiences of their parent-child relationships into their perceptions of themselves in their adult lives. After discussing some personal stories, and exploring the ways in which even children from what appear to be stable households experience trauma, the analysts shared ways in which they approach their patients. One of the questions that one of the analysts asked was “did you feel that your parents enjoyed you?” with a winded reference circling back to Winnicott. The quote: ”It is a joy to be hidden, but a disaster not to be found.” For some reason, this sparked a thought about about the common catchphrase “dance-like-nobody’s-watching,” innocently invites the reader to lean into their authenticity and completely ignore the fact that anyone might be judge-ly watching. Express yourself and feel emotionally liberated! But, for some of those who have not been “seen” or “noticed” or “enjoyed” as children, this can inadvertently activate feelings less to do with liberation, and more toward an internal sense of irrelevance, estrangement, or invisibility.
What does it mean to exist in the world of another, and not be enjoyed by them, as a child?
As an adult, we can discern when someone isn’t really super duper into us – the date never texts back, you don’t get the warmest thank you from a work interview, the friend connection starts to grow distant. There are signs – and most adults, generally, are equipped to pick up on some of them, and have the choice to stay or exit the situation. Less so as a child, and in developing and growing a sense of belonging in the world – it’s painful and confusing when the people that are intended to love you the most (enjoyment included), simply don’t.
There’s a Polish phrase, “cieszy się tobą” which is typically utilized to suggest that your partner is smitten, adoring, in love, or “in joy of” another. It’s one of those phrases that is usually reserved for romantic relationships, although when translated into English loses the meaning. If you Google Translate it, things like: “they are happy with you,” will be found, except, the phrase (in my person experience) carries a depth begging the question: does the person you are with derive joy from you? Everything that you are – are you enjoyed?
In my most recent Love Actually class, we discussed this Alain de Botton piece (and wonderfully written opinion piece (https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html) on why you’ll definitely marry the wrong person (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EvvPZFdjyk). One of his many wise points is “We seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well…” and ultimately, he states that what we really seek is familiarity.
So…. What does it mean to be with someone that enjoys my anything? In fact… What does it mean to “be enjoyed” by another. I’m not sure I was particularly enjoyed by my family (in fact, I know I wasn’t), so on what metric so we base being enjoyed on? Hos frequently our friends want to spend time with us? The number of deep relationships we have? How successful we are at networking? How we make others feel?
Lately, I’m not so certain I’m enjoyed. Just to be clear, I firmly and wholeheartedly believe that we all have these uncertainties that come and go in our life seasons. Most people just don’t talk (or in my case, write) about it. I’ve been pondering if others enjoy my obsession with Scruffles? Is my preference for candle-lit ambiance over I-don’t-need-glasses-to-see lights a unique quirk of mine, or something annoying? Is my lack of texting followed by intense texting enjoyable? At what point are others sick of my you-can-do-it attitude about them? Do others actually enjoy who I am, or my kick-ass charcuterie skills? Or maybe, I’m asking the wrong questions altogether.
The irony of all of this, is that I started this blog scrutinizing and criticizing the concept of being anything other than ourselves.
Here I am, full circle, actually wondering if I am enjoyed by others?
I have to remember that I’m not a little kid anymore – I, and my friends and colleagues and family, have freedom and choice in their decision to share their time with me. I have the power to either let people in or not, and it’s up to me how I create the experience of being “enjoyed.”
A (surprisingly) long while back, I was invited by a dear friend to join her at a concert, and one of the song lyrics were “fall in love with someone that enjoys your weirdness, Not someone that tries to talk you into being normal.”
I suppose – where I am with this in this moment – is that my work on myself is less about worrying whether others are enjoying me, and more about being discerning to welcoming those that already do. Next step is to trust that to be the case.
Find your people!
When I see adolescents in my office, especially the ones who feel like there are 1.789 million things wrong with them – I feel a big part of their struggle is that they haven’t found “their people.” (Although some of them actually are really, really mean – one – called me a M’AM!! On purpose!! That might need some attention…) And that is actually the journey we are on in this world, we get to slowly unmask and show our weird, quirky parts, which allows us to “find our people” and work to surround ourselves around those who value and appreciate us. Being authentic is where it starts. “Being enjoyed” for the real you is way better than being enjoyed for the you that you think others want in the world. And we can all do a little better and appreciate the things that we enjoy about your friends, partners, colleagues? What makes them unique, important, safe, or special?
How do you let your people know you enjoy them?
xoxo ❤
Kathy
P.S. I do feel I owe thanks to the LA class who provoked me to write this little reflection piece. The authenticity that I have witnessed in the supportive sharing and receiving of personal, vulnerable, “embarrassing,” and intimate thoughts, feelings, and reflections has been incredibly moving. It fills my heart with joy and I feel honored to be a part of it. I hope that when my future self looks back on this, my heart can smile knowing that this was a little moment that was moving to the fall 2024 version of me.
Simple Serendipities 