I traditionally listen to Rachel Brathern’s “From the Heart” podcast a few days leading up to the new year. Usually, I like to set some intentions, and go through my little clearing ritual – clean every little nook and cranny, burn some palo santo, reflect with gratitude, and infuse some happy wishes for the upcoming year. This is one of those pandemic rituals that stuck with me, so here we are, sending palo santo smoke signals from my tiny little NYC apartment. (I hope I haven’t accidentally sent something embarrassing like “I pooped my pants…”)
Now that I’ve stuck with it for a few years, my little processing and intention setting ceremony writings find their way into a little notebook that I use for all things spiritual and self-reflective. Over the last few years, I’ve written my heart out about hardships I’ve endured throughout the year, missed opportunities, and moments of joy and gratitude. Rachel’s podcast really helps me reflect on what I’ve done and what I envision for myself. This year, I haven’t finished the full ritual, but I did flip back and read my intentions for the previous years.
I’m so incredibly proud to report, that I successfully completed about 5% of the goals I set for myself!
(Come on, that’s success no?!) My biggest win was finally getting to see some of the world, and it seems that travel took a big chunk of my headspace last year.
So, in the “processing phase,” I couldn’t keep my mind focused on the thing I’m supposed to be focused on. Instead of reflecting, I kept anxiously wanting to set a list of 100 new bucket list items. I kept thinking about what I want to accomplish or change in the upcoming year. Eventually, I realized that most of my unrealized hopes and dreams from last year, should probably pack themselves up in a little suitcase and come along for the ride with me this year. It seems that as I’m getting a bit older, my goals are becoming less expansive, and numbered, but a bit more redundant. I think perhaps, dare I say, GROWTH has occurred?!
One of the lessons I feel I’m meant to take from the last year, is that I really suck at moving slowly and seeing things to the end. I get excited about projects, fervently start them, then get bored and give up, especially the ones that are slow and take a long time to build and grow. I also must admit that I do not handle things not moving on MY timeline. (Can we keep it moving please?!) I want it to get done, now – even if it means I sacrifice sleep or friend-time or dinner, or whatever it might be. It’s hard to change at baseline, and even harder since it has served me so well to this point in my life. What if I chill out and get FIRED?! (Serious thought that runs through my head, constantly.)
I bet I’m not the only one who does this, but I have a tendency to compete with myself on things that do not require competing. I am not going to be the next Van Gogh, but every year I set an “intention” that I’ll start an art practice that I know, deep deep deep down inside I fantasize turning into some studio that “makes it big.” Or say I want to write more, when what I really mean is “I want to writer a best selling novel.” If it’s not meeting that expectation, then it’s a waste of time and effort. So… just maybe… learning how to do things for the mere joy of doing them is where the focus needs to be, using one of those lofty intentions from last year…
So here I am, instead of starting new things, this feels like a year of going back to last year’s goals, gently . Maybe this year, I am meant to not rise like a phoenix from the ashes, but continue working on loving the little bits of me just a tiny bit more.
This year, it’s going to be a new year, with the same me.
XOXO,
Kathy ❤
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