I have had a long and complicated relationship with myself for a pretty long time. My official Facebook status, if anyone is using that anymore, would be “complicated – in relationship with myself.” I haven’t been one to be particularly confident in myself. I can certainly name more things I dislike about myself than things I like, I always think I have at least ten pounds to lose, I look at every freckle, wrinkle, stretch mark and gray hair and think of how disgusting I must be to others. How am I not able to take care of all of the things my life requires and still look like a glowing Beyoncé? The last time I FaceTimed with my mom, she reminded me to make sure I color my hair because my grays are showing and that I should consider a vacation in the sun because I am too pale. (Both are, in fact, accurate… In case you were wondering.)
My self-loathing expands from my physical attributes to my cognitive abilities and charm. I assume that anything I say in public is boring, offensive, or unsolicited. Even within my own group of friends, I tend to opt for the cleaner-upper and drink-maker over the fun, playful, easygoing guest-chatter-er. “Am I being too much or too little?” “Am I saying too much or not enough?” “Do I sound like a complete idiot?” “Does that person ACTUALLY think I’m funny or are they just being nice?”
I now know that much of this comes from my childhood. And of course. Adulthood. And probably also medical training. Medical training amplifies everything that isn’t perfect. Every patient interaction is critiqued with nebulous standards and changing expectations. Everything feels judged and there’s a constant reminder looming above our heads of how little we actually know. Even now, with the almighty “attending” title, I still feel like there are very few moments where I am not reminded of how much I don’t know.
Late at night is when my brain wonders if that thing I said at the dinner table 6 years ago is actually scrutinized by anyone else the way it is by me. And there isn’t actually a right answer because if yes, then please put me in a cave, like Jesus without the resurrecting part (and the gift to make wine from water) because how cringeworthy is that??? If no one remembers, then nothing matters. I’m going to take the subway and get off at the next stop – “existential crisis,” and reflect on my worthless contributions to society. (Nietzsche, Camus, Sartre, Kierkegaard – you guys want to come by for a drink? I hear misery loves company…)
One of the transient self-motivating phases was the “reading allllllllll the motivational things on the internet phase.” I used to tell myself,“if I read enough of these things, I’ll actually feel that way myself.” Well. Not exactly. Eventually. I got so sick of the mindfulness, self-love, rah rah keep at it, I couldn’t stand it. It started to all sounds the same and can be dwindled down to a few themes:
- Don’t look back (but also don’t forget where your roots are and def overanalyze everything you did to not do it ever again)
- Don’t stress about the future (because telling someone not to stress about the future is the best way for them not to stress about the future)
- Don’t be too lazy about planning your future (but also don’t plan too much ahead)
- Love yourself for who you are (and others will love you. Also, you learn to love yourself through others so you can’t love yourself until others love you first. Just try one and see where it goes??)
- Set and maintain boundaries (except for when you don’t know how, or don’t do it, in which case, then you can just blame the other person for the problem)
- What’s meant for you will find it’s way to you (without you having to do anything, no directions, nothing. We’re in the 21st century. Have you tried Google Maps?)
- It’s ok to be sad/angry/whatever but don’t dwell in it (but also make sure to be in it long enough to feel it and process it and walk through it)
- Much of who we are now, comes from our childhood (and maybe this little phase of our lives called adolescence? And adult experiences? Have we considered culture? Society? Ethnicity?)
- Do the work on yourself for yourself (just remember, no one else matters and no one else is affected by you when you’re a complete raging bitch. Just you. Always.)
- Just Be (almost like Just Do It – but without the doing part)
Although these were supposed to initially be motivating, I found that over time, I started getting annoyed with the messages. It felt like another failure. All the things that I SHOULD be doing differently, that I am not. Which made me wonder, where do we learn self-love and how do we get good at it? It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to teach me, yet, here I am. A thirty something year old woman (admittedly I have to do the math because I forget my age often and it’s definitely an accident though), who still hasn’t figured it out fully.
What I can say, is that I’m working on it. And what I have learned is that all of those messages are partly true, and partly false (hence the sarcasm). Learning self-love does in part come from accepting yourself, and also from your environment. Do your friends respect you enough that you don’t have to consistently remind them of your boundaries? Are you choosing people that mesh with you in a way that enhances both of your lives? Are your people supportive, kind, welcoming? Does your job value your contributions? Does your partner give you their undivided attention when you have something important to say? How does someone respond to your bids for their attention?
There is so much media in the world that says that you cannot develop self-love if you are in relationship with others. I’m not sure if I fully agree with that.
We cannot live in a vacuum of aloneness and self-help books, and assume they are healing us. We cannot feel the joy of being heard, if we aren’t talking to anyone else.
Scruffles, albeit an excellent listener, he is not much of a conversationalist. Do I think he loves me? Yes. Do I think he really gets who “me” is? No. He loves the guaranteed pats and belly rubs, walks and treats and the steadiness of us. It’s a start. But it’s not the same as the kind of love I receive from my friends. It is impossible to feel that what you have to say, is important to others, if you aren’t with others.
I am not denying the value and importance of self-love. The best model for learning is “see one, do one, teach one” and at the core of all of this, is the other. With that said, I have grown to love myself by the help and love of those around me.
My advice to my younger self would be: “don’t change a single thing, you’ll get to where you need to be, but you can’t do it alone, it’s totally fine if you are lost at any point, and please let someone else hold the light for you.” (Also – now is as good time as any to figure out which way north is. Your older self still doesn’t know. Just. Saying.)
XOXO,
Kathy ❤️
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