I’ve been quiet the last few weeks, between being busy with work, interviewing for a new position, some travel, and trying to spend as much time with friends as humanly possible, it’s been a busy last few weeks. I am happy to say that I have accepted a new position, and I am very excited to be starting this next step of my life – the part where I’m supposed to know more things than I did the day before I started. It’s funny how medical training works.
For those who know me, I was always an “I got this and I don’t need anyone else’s help” kind of gal. (I still am and I have to tell you about how the universe keeps trying to teach me to unlearn that… stay tuned!) Although during the throes of the COVID-times, I was calling my mom daily. I was scared for her, and scared for what would happen. I was in NYC, and she was in Chicago and I couldn’t just hop in the car and check in. My sister was far away and I was scared for her as well.
During those very scary early days, I vividly remember walking miles and miles with Scruffles through the city- at night – talking with my mom.
During the “early days,” I remember calling one of my supervisors in a panic that I cannot come to the hospital to work my shifts over the weekend, because my university prohibited moonlighting. The exact shifts that my rent most depended on. remember the last grand rounds that we had, and the last time that I met my colleagues as a class, sharing individual treats to celebrate birthdays. I remember the very last time I went out to dinner with friends before the city locked down. I remember the zoom birthday celebration my co-workers surprised me with. I remember having long days of zoom lectures, and giggling at my peer who was obviously multitasking and living his best life, running during the classes. I remember being sick, with COVID, and my kind friends calling to check in on me, giving me medical advice and doing everything possible to keep me in my own bed. I remember sitting on my chair by the window, sharing photos of the Manhattan sunsets with a friend, drinking our Rosé. I remember socially distanced bike rides with my girlfriends, and my first socially distanced outdoor pizza after months of lockdown.
Who knew that this would be our life – for a year?
So a year later, things are still not quite back to normal. I don’t need to reflect what every single person on this planet has been feeling. It’s been a transition, and now, I feel comfortable with this way of life. I have my (not real) routines. I have my doggie next to me all day. I have my yoga pant selection down. The older I get, the harder it becomes for me to adapt to change.
What I am actually processing, is that my new chair was thoughtful to include me in an email sent to the department. I was initially quite excited and thought it was the first step in being welcomed into this new family I’d be joining. Then I read the email. It was his reflection on the uncertainty and confusion at the start of the pandemic, as well as the memes and youtube videos that they used to cope.
I was in a silly way hurt over the email. It felt like such a unique experience to my current colleagues, that I got all the feelings and decided it felt like I was in a way moving away from what I knew, and into the unknown, and intruding on their experience.
But is it really an intrusion? Or is it simply the fact that we all actually shared something monumentally tragic and challenging, no matter where we were? I knew that most places proceeded similarly to the way we did. I knew that most everyone coped similarly, and yet, somehow, it felt sad receiving that email from my future chair.
It reminded me that I will be moving away from a community which had become so close, so important, and so critical in getting me through the last year.
So – here I am. Sitting in my apartment in NYC, having so many feelings over the fact that my future boss is thoughtful and made an effort to include me into my future work community, sharing their COVID experience. I’m still confused at what it is that I’ve even feeling about it, or why. Excitement? Fear? Resistance? Betrayal? Anger?
Regardless of what it is, perhaps this is a sign that it’s time to start opening myself up to sharing those experiences with those who are not in my inner circle. I did receive the email just as I was having a moment of fear, wondering whether I made the right choice.
After all – we went through this together.
Simple Serendipities 