On Expectations

I was recently having a celebratory birthday dinner with some friends and a discussion came up regarding the future of our relationships with one another. What will that look like? Although I am quite an anxious person (my anxieties have anxieties), I’ve handed over the trajectory of the future of all of my relationships to the universe. I’m by no definition “chill.” I would never leave the house with even a cup left in the sink, I must have enough food to feed half of my complex anytime I host an event, I am bothered by not having a plan for the weekend, and I am, as many would say, “forward thinking and always prepared.” That’s code for “you’re too anxious and you need to get it together.”

But back to dinner. That night was lovely, albeit cold- very, very, very cold. The memory of that evening includes the birthday girl smiling and laughing, simple and elegant lights adorning the ceiling, the tent surrounded by planters, a view of the city, and a sommelier pairing wines with our dishes.

These little moments between my mundane and repetitive days make me feel alive.

Otherwise, I feel like a robot with a glitch in my code, repeating every single day. I wanted to savor the ambiance and the laughs and the company for the weeks to come. I didn’t want to worry about what we’ll be doing in a year, I just wanted to take it in.

Although, older-wiser-me has gotten a bit better at navigating friendships, younger and less-wise-me had very different expectations for my friendships. What I did have that probably needed the most attention, was some very confusing ideas of who is a friend, a colleague, and an acquaintance. I also had some very questionable hair color choices, clothing choices, and cocktail choices. (But that’s another post.) I didn’t really know – I lacked experience and the experiences I had were… pretty awful.

As a younger child, I was picked on for many years, and given my studious nature, natural inclination toward introversion, and very unfashionable attire (compliments of my mother who wanted to live out the fantasy of sending her daughter to a Catholic school, while attending a public school and living in a rough and tough neighborhood in Chicago). Other examples of sticking out like a sore thumb included being sent to school with traditional Polish dishes for lunch, never having those coveted “designer” Nike or whatever shoes, not being allowed to have too many friends as a kiddo, and requiring that I help with house remodeling projects rather than being a kid. The one or two friends I was allowed to have in elementary school moved away, then we moved away to a school where I did not belong. At all. There was no Facebook or Instagram or text messaging. Not helping my case, having a last name that is very similar to Lewinsky (during the Clinton scandal) was a goldmine for “jokes.” Congrats! You now know more about me than I have probably ever shared with most people until now.

The TL;DR summary of the last paragraph is that I didn’t really know how to make friends, and I didn’t know what it was like having friendships that didn’t result in some form of exploitation.

It was almost as if for my own security, I needed people to act in a certain way to ensure that I knew they were actually my friend. Of course, where do we turn to when we don’t have the answers? The internet! Before that, well, library would have probably been the right answer, but the reality is that shows like Full House and Seventh Heaven (and maaayyyybbbeeee Power Rangers) were the basis and foundation for the script I created that ensured I would know who was and was not a friend. Older and wiser me (ehem, but still young and spry) has loosened up my definition and I no longer have a rigid set of “inclusion criteria” that I use to determine who is a friend or foe. Dare I say, I am much more “chill” about the whole process.

So how do we decide who is a friend?

Do we define friendship by years we know one another? Similarities in experience? Shared cultural backgrounds? Is a friend someone who’s fun at a party and otherwise absent? Or someone who never attends an event, but is present daily? What is a friend? I thought I knew, but I really don’t know anymore, and I like to believe that I’m mature and wise and know something I didn’t know when I was younger. In fact, I do know that friendships are fluid, and someone who I have known for a year or two, can have a closer and more vulnerable connection than someone I have known for many years. Alternatively, a friend whom I may have grown apart, may have re-entered my life in a new way, rekindling or creating a new version of the relationship. This got me thinking about what is different. I’m still mostly the same. Still enjoying”crappy” music, biting my nails, reading obscure and somewhat pompously written books, and still kind of weird.

What is different, other than the few extra gray hairs and rising numbers of candle on my birthday cakes, is that I finally am beginning to learn something important:

Expectations are what breed disappointment, resentment, anger, sadness.

I love that I have met so many interesting, ambitious and kind individuals who are unique and add just the right flavor to my life. I love that I have people that I can reach out to and have dinner at a “bougie” place, or ooze over the amazing finds at the consignment store, or talk about the designer jacket that was 70% off (that I’ll NEVER be able to afford regardless). I love that I have someone who will go to the farmer’s market with me, motivate me to journal, encourage my ridiculous ideas, take a fitness class, share in a glass of champagne, or dissect a movie or a book with an in depth psychodynamically oriented analysis of the content. I love that there are people I can share my struggles and hardships with, and others who want to celebrate my accomplishments, check in on me when I’m sick. I am a lucky gal. L though if you want to know, I can’t pinpoint who constitutes as a friend, and how someone becomes a friend.

Each of these relationships beacons a unique dimension, added depth and complexity that my life would otherwise lack.

When I initially was making the decision whether to leave the East Coast for Chicago, this was an area of deep sadness, sorrow and fear. Leading up to the decision, the idea of possibly never having beautiful moments with these individuals has weighed heavily on my heart, and has caused me many sleepless nights and panicked mornings. I really appreciate and harness technology as a way to stay connected. Despite all the ways in which we can connect to others, not everyone will remain in my life, as this is the bittersweet reality. One thing that I have learned, is that oftentimes, it’s nothing personal and it was not intended to harm me in anyway. Our paths don’t cross as often as they did, but I am very excited that I can easily maintain collegial interactions with many of these individuals. Future friends or not.

Accepting the friendship ebb and flow, without placing expectation on what the relationship should be in the future, has given me a sense of freedom to appreciate it for what it is now.

It’s made me think back to my younger-and-less-wise life experiences, where I had placed expectations on myself and my friends, and at the same time, felt inadequate toward them, and developed hurt and resentment toward the lack of reciprocity in their interactions with me. (Mind you, this is all in my head because it’s not like we had a seance, made an oath that these are the ten commandments of our friendship, then sealed it with blood.) It bred a feeling of anger, layered underneath it was the feeling of worthlessness, inadequacy, and inability to be loved. Instead of recognizing that this was just a normal part of life, I felt that it reflected immensely on my own failures, and then instead of enjoying our reunions, I occasionally would approach them with a sense of obligation to individuals who I was convinced, did not care for me. Rather than viewing these relationships as an ebb for now, I took it to signify my own failures and inadequacies.

That said, as much as every transition in my life over the last ten years has meant the loss of relationships, it has also allowed me to learn that relationships don’t alway fully end. Many of the individuals that I had met during my time in Erie, Pittsburgh, Michigan, Philly, and NYC, I still keep in touch with, and I hear about their jobs and children and accomplishments, occasionally the hardships or challenges.

The memories of past relationships are the souvenirs left behind of the adventures I have lived.

If I happened to ever find myself in a city those individuals live in, I would not hesitate to connect, share a nice meal, chat about mutual interests, and enjoy that figment of a memory. No longer planning out the next rendezvous, but welcoming any communication with an open heart and mind, and being excited for the possibility of “if and when we meet again.”

Being open to the unknown, and having the comfort of knowing that everyone else is an enhancement of an already delightful life, has freed me. That freedom has allowed many relationships to flourish, ones which if I had approached with my scripted mindset, would have sizzled into ashes before they even grew into a phoenix in the first place.

So, I had come home that rooftop-birthday-dinner-night and reflected on many relationships that I had with people over the years. Some I no longer speak with, and others know all the details of my life.

Not everything is meant to last forever, and not everyone will stay forever.

Someone else will always find their way into our lives. They will bring something new, provocative, challenging and unique – we just have to be open to allow it in – rather than hang on to what we lost.

Maybe I’m just older, or less insecure about who I am and what I can offer, and perhaps I’ve really taken on the mutual and reciprocal approach to heart, finally. I’m not sure. But whatever it is, I like it. My social and professional network has grown and I have felt connected with more people now than I ever have in the past. I know that these relationships with fluctuate over time, some will grow closer, and others will grow further apart. But by not holding on so tightly to what I think should happen with any of them in the future, I am allowing space for what’s meant to remain in my life to flourish, and what’s meant to be a keepsake, preserved in that way.

No expectations, no hurt, no resentment.